Being old is swell. It’s the one excuse everybody accepts. Like “I don’t eat peas because I’m old and they give me gas,” or “I’m too old to walk the Boardwalk” or “I can’t go to the grocery, I’m too old” or “I can’t bend over to tie my shoes, it hurts my old back.” When you’re old, you can get away with statements like “I forgot your birthday, guess I’m getting old” or “I’m just too old to shave every day.” When you’re old, you don’t have to return phone calls or hit the deck early every morning or dig the latest suck music or watch the very newest in-television series. You can happily wallow in the proverbial “Old Man, Set In His Ways.”
So you’re supposed to talk to plants. It stimulates them or something like that. Insider has tried it on occasion but they never answered so the hell with them. The other morning he tried a different approach, some dirty talk. He gave them the classic phone sex talk used back in Insider’s military days. They were all peering out the window away from Insider and towards the sun. Nothing. The next morning when he sat for his first morning transfusion, every plant on the window sill as staring straight at him. He had finally gotten their attention.
A new generation is about to descend upon us and with them will come their “word”. For some reason, each generation must have it’s own word to describe anything they approve of. Currently we are suffering through “cool”. Everything from a grand bowel movement to passing marks in high school is cool. Previous generations showed their approval with “I dig” and before that with “right on” and “totally tubular”. The old guy’s generation never had to bother with dumb words. Back in his day, everything was “swell.” Last week Insider overheard some young punks talking and the word “whatever” surfaced quite a bit. Perhaps that’s the new word of the newest generation.
The old guy resents having to drink a lunch beverage selected for him by management. Whenever he’s told he must drink “Pepsi,” he always asks for “Coke,” then settles for water. When told he must drink “Coke,” he asks for “Pepsi,” then settles for water. Occasionally he’ll ask for a “Dr. Pepper,” but that’s his choice, not the management’s.