This is the true doldrums. Everywhere Insider seems to turn these days it’s gloom and doom about this and that. Nobody has any money to pay their bills, especially their mortgages, blah, blah. It’s all you read about any more in the news. Sales are down everywhere, while the cost of everything is going up. Nobody has any money left over after they pay their bills each month Even the credit companies are struggling, and they usually do well in tough times because they are like buzzards preying on the most vulnerable. If all this is true, Insider has to wonder: how come there are always so many cars parked at the outlets, malls, Food Lions, Superfreshes and Wal-Marts in the area?
Apparently, in the first time since there was such a thing, online shopping sales dropped this year in the six weeks preceding Christmas compared to the same period last year. Insider says that’s a good thing because maybe it will force the lazy people to shop locally rather than buy something in Miami, Los Angeles, Chicago, Detroit or New York City. It will keep the money locally and it appears there’s a shortage of that stuff around here, if you believe everything you read and hear on the news.
Insider just does not want to go online or dot com anything. He simply wants to be left alone in the 1985 life he chose for himself. But they just won’t leave him alone. Everything on television is urging him or ordering him to go online by dialing a bunch of ww’s, a bunch of dots, followed by that damned dot com. When he wants to buy something, he simply goes to the store (gasp!), talks to a real person (gasp!) and buys it with cash (gasp!). The old guy only spends what he has and does not put off today tomorrow’s problems. No machine asks him for his blood type, his sex, his employment, his address, his food preferences, his life insurance policy, what kind of car he’s driving, his favorite color, what kind of underwear he’s wearing or how many children he has. People who go online should be hung from a line.
Every few months when Insider has some time he pulls out his box of statements and begins paying bills. Every bill he pays has the line “do not fold, staple or spindle” on the return portion. Being normal he just had to staple a few of the returns, others he folded just to see what would happen. But then the spindle problem arose. What is spindle? How do you spindle? Do you need special equipment to spindle something? Hey, Insider needs help here. When the day comes the old guy decides to die he’s sure the last word he speaks in this life will be “spindle!”